i think i understand a little.
 it's just the tiniest, teeniest drop in the ocean of the feeling, but at least i have that much.

it hurts to love.
now i'm not speaking about a country song or taylor swift kind of heart-break hurt.
i'm talking sick to your stomach, nauseating, overwhelming feelings that you can't wrap your mind around hurt.
the kind that keeps you up at night, pleading with God to understand and be able to grasp.
that kinda hurt.

i think just about every time i find a new c.s. lewis quote i think it's my favorite until i find the next…

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“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

-c.s. lewis

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i'm surrounded.
up,
down,
left,                                                                                                                                            right,
everywhere.

hurt and loss and sickness and pain; it's everywhere.
and it's right on the surface, up close and personal, screaming in my face "i'm here!".
and as members of 1st world societies we have the privilege of (for the majority of the time) not having to see it.
but here it's not even just what i can see, i hear it 24/7.

a baby cries and our dog barks.
the toddler that lives behind us screams and the dog barks.
and constantly, nagging at the front of my mind is: are they hurt?  are they being hurt?  but all the while i know, that other than placing them before the throne of grace, there's nothing i can do for them.

and i feel helpless.

because i like to fix.
it's who i am, i want to fix.
but it's overwhelming and everywhere and if i am not careful i get overwhelmed + my body goes into protection mode: shut down.

the obstacles that are set in front of every situation, from our earthly perspective, are impossible to overcome.
how in the world can this be fixed?
how can this be made better?

when it hurts, remember it hurts Him too.
when our heart breaks for the loss of love and the relationships that can no longer be, remember He's there crying beside you.

because when i see the hurt and the loss and the pain in the faces that fill my view, i trust that just as he heals up my broken heart + my wounds, he is right there waiting to heal and bind up theirs.